Inner Michael » Renegade Thoughts and Random Decisions

Renegade Thoughts and Random Decisions

It’s the eve of the anniversary of Michael’s passing. It’s unusually quiet and I am quiet inside. I was invited to drum circle tonight with my Oneida friend. We sat in the woods listening to the sound of the train, something I love; we watched the moon rise, another thing I love. I drummed for Michael; I drummed for Michael’s fans; I drummed for Michael’s family, for Michael’s babies; I drummed for the world; and I drummed for healing. To Native people, the sound of the drum carries prayers. I prayed a lot tonight.

I had some renegade thoughts and I made some random decisions:

I have decided that I love the way Michael’s face kept changing. If I ever entertained the thought that it was strange, I realize that was conditioning from the opinions of others. Michael changed his looks all the time surgery or no, and I’ve decided I love that about him. As an artist, I recognize that Michael knew what looked good, and what would get a response. He was photographed enough to know just how to hold his mouth, how far to open his eyes, which angle was best, where the light source should be and how much. Michael’s poses were as orchestrated as the rest of his art. I like that intensity.

Short hair, long hair, Jheri curls, straight and silky, or pulled back on stage, they were all distinct looks and I don’t think there was anything casually decided about any of those styles. I’ve decided I like them all.

Michael’s face was very much a part of his art. I like all of Michael’s faces. I like the mocha ones and the lighter ones and the alabaster ones where the pigment was gone; in those he looks ethereal. I’ve decided too, that I was startled sometimes by how much his face appeared to change. It seemed that he wore a face for the occasion somewhat like people decide what outfit to wear for an occasion. I’ve decided that all of them are interesting. With his face, Michael knew how to speak without words. As much as I like the idea of words, I like the idea of speaking with no words. Of speaking with your face. I find it avant garde.

I suppose that would appeal to a shaman because it’s the high art of shapeshifting. I think Michael took pains with his face and his makeup with always a flair for the theatrical. But there is a little part of me that thinks Michael knew some kind of magic that he used in constructing his look du jour. It wasn’t all makeup; I’ve decided he was actually shapeshifting his face. Shamans do that you know. If you sit with them and stare at their face it changes in front of your eyes and becomes another, sometimes even animal others. I’ve decided it wasn’t all theatre.


I stopped in the drug store tonight for some mosquito spray for the woods and I saw a tabloid headline that blared in huge letters “MICHAEL JACKSON’S BODY MISSING.” And I’ve decided that when humanity doesn’t come from heart it can be pretty pathetic. You see, that’s the problem. We don’t live in our hearts. We live in our heads thinking instead of feeling or we live in our groins thinking only one thing and thinking everyone else is thinking it too. I think the bright ones among us don’t think from the waist down and we don’t feel from the neck up. And we certainly don’t use the groin area as our reference point for everything. So I’ve decided that tabloids are made by neck up people for the waist down people. And by and for the people who think with their groin. Get the point? Good; let’s dance.


I’ve decided I don’t like death much. It’s not somewhere we should be spending our time. I don’t like it much and I’ve decided I don’t think it’s fair. In fact, I think it was a really bad idea and God should be questioned on this one. He certainly has had some better ideas. This one, I think is shameful. This one frightens people, separates those who love each other, takes people in the middle of something they’d rather finish, ends careers early, separates families, interferes with projects, interrupts genius, causes people to hurt unreasonably, and brings untold grief into the world. I think death should go back to the drawing board.

Or maybe there should be different rules for death like for example, those who are really good people and who are beloved by many should get to stay longer. I think death should be related to a performance based life. The kinder you treat other people, the more you do for others, the more you do for the world and the more you love and are beloved, the longer you should live. Maybe there should be a clause about youthing and aging. If you’re a poor excuse for a human, you should age normally. But if you are a human sweetheart, maybe the aging clock should run backwards for a bit. I wonder if that would be incentive enough.

In that case, there wouldn’t be any tabloids and Michael would still be with us.


I have been thinking about how Michael was the mirror for a world without heart. There are those people who occasionally come along to reflect ourselves to us. God sends them to Earth every once in awhile. Their lives are not easy. Their light shames the darkness and that makes them a target. I have learned so much in my journey with Michael. I have learned to appreciate the man he was and how he changed the world. It’s going to turn out that he is everywhere hiding in plain sight in our culture. 

Michael Jackson had a lot of heart. Ironic that it was lack of heart that took him from us. As a culture, a race, a planet, we really do need to learn to live from the space of an open heart.

A world without heart truly was heartless in its treatment of Michael. A world without soul didn’t appreciate, and many, many people do not know his soul still today. In fact, many took pieces of his soul and we really are in the business of retrieving it for him. It is the least we can do for we did nothing to deserve him. While I may have been acquainted with Michael Jackson from the beginning of his becoming Michael, I didn’t know Michael Jackson until he died. I feel cheated. I feel sad. I feel angry. And in some ways I feel relieved for him. How can you be the most famous man in the world and be the loneliest? It happens when there is not enough heart. He is now carried tenderly and held in trust by another with great heart.

La Chapelle


Now for some other people’s random thoughts…

by Gerri Stone (c) 2010

Michael could have done that comeback tour.

And I have no doubt it would’ve been
an orgy of song, sounds, dance, bright lights.
Exciting, dazzling, joyful.

But there was always the damn press
who, armed with scissors and
a knack for distortion,
could’ve created their own
image of the comeback tour.

And perfectly groomed anchors
with well-practiced smirks
would look into the camera and say:

Michael Jackson, King of Pop, Fizzles
King of Pop Dethroned
Michael Jackson comeback? Or Go Home?

And for extra effect, the phrases would
be printed in large white letters
streaming across the bottom of the screen.

So Michael, who kept telling
everyone who’d listen that he
hated touring, decided it was better
to check in with God and ask if he could
just cash out a little early
so he could do the comeback HIS WAY.

Then everyone could hear the music
he’d always wanted to play- raw, unedited.

Sexuality now unrestrained
could be pulsing so strong
a million babies
a million poems
a million songs
would be conceived every night.


And another wonderful idea…

Tribute to Michael Jackson; Nightshift by the Commodores


  1. Anne UK said . . .

    Oh Rev Barbara,
    What heartfelt words. Like you I loved Michaels changing appearance, even if my family thought I was odd. I just love your thinking on death. Yes, perhaps God should go back to the drawing board there. I thought we were all destined for three score years and ten, maybe a good idea but we don’t all get to reach that. My Mum always said that the good die young and in Michae’ls case thats certainly true. I much prefer your ideas, they certainly would make a lot of people sit up and take notice. Having got up feeling somewhat sad today, after reading your words that in some places made me laugh out loud especially about the reversal of aging. I feel so much better.
    Michael lived a life that is an inspiration to us all, his fame gave him so many problems that he always dealt with, with such dignity. His heart always showed such love even when the world seemed to be determined to destroy him. How I agree with Gerri when she said about the headlines that maybe would have been printed if he’d lived to do the concerts. It is just so sad that people did not and in some cases still do not see what was stood in front of them.
    I am also sad that you didn’t get to know him before he passed. I wish you could have known him personally, If you could have been in his life I just know he would still be here. You understand his heart and how others played a part. He would have been able to tell you anything and would have had someone in his life without a hidden agenda but you know him now and I feel that he knows you as well. The poem is lovely and it is so heartwarming to see “The Commodores” record a tribute. With Love Anne xx

    Posted June 25, 2010 at 10:29 am | Permalink
  2. Anne Mette Jepsen said . . .

    Dear B.K.! I LOVE your decisions! I absolutely agree 🙂
    Anne Mette, Denmark

    Posted June 25, 2010 at 7:04 pm | Permalink
  3. Dalia said . . .

    Today I went to work as every day, but in the rear window of my car had a handwritten sign that read: “JUSTICE FOR MICHAEL JACKSON 1958-2009” so people could realize that I can not forget the injustice done to Michael and how much this man means to me.

    Posted June 26, 2010 at 3:55 am | Permalink
  4. gertrude said . . .

    Knowing that I can die and go home has always made me love God more and confirmed God’s love for us, to me. It’s literally what keeps me going. I look around and think, OK, there are some almighty battles we have to wage in this realm – for peace on earth, justice on earth, love on earth, kindness and joy on earth, and on and on – but God doesn’t leave us here! I feel relieved and able to bear more time here in the valley of the shadow. And then I also think Wow, if I might not be here tomorrow I really better try to do something to make my corner better, and to help the peeps around me feel better, maybe even think in a better way. I can leave here in the next moment, makes my heart ache more for the world, makes me cry more for it as I think I should, makes me want to really work on being a better more evolved being, makes me want to jump into the fray more – to get crack-a-lackin on brightening and cleaning things up somehow! It seems to me like Michael spent so many of his days here doing just that, that he was rewarded with early return to the heaven. And with his passing the rest of us are given another chance to learn to appreciate the great gifts we ARE given here, and to be more vigilant in protecting them from being bullied into an early grave. I’m incredibly happy for Michael and incredibly sad for US. WE lost; he gained as richly he deserved to.

    Posted June 26, 2010 at 2:11 pm | Permalink
  5. lmt said . . .

    Oh, that picture.

    I also love Michael’s face–he was a beautiful, sexy and lovely man. Lisa Marie has said that he was a perfectionist and part of that was focused on his own being–and I like that he did not tolerate roles and expectations for men and women. He pushed those boundaries and that is progressive and free thinking and I love that. I guess part of what he modeled for us was what it means to have that large heart. And part of the price he paid for that heart was the advantage taken of him by so many. Michael is journeying into the light and held by the safest arms and purest heart.

    Posted June 26, 2010 at 8:16 pm | Permalink
  6. Dalia said . . .

    Barbara: What you say and how you say it sounds like pure love, you say “I like all of Michael’s faces.” A teenager with cancer said, “I could not help looking at his nose because it is rare and small” but when love goes beyond physical appearance it goes to the soul. It’s like having X-ray vision to see what you love and everything You see is beautiful. It’s curious how when you know Michael he really grabs hearts, he steals the heart…Yesterday I dressed in black.

    Posted June 26, 2010 at 11:07 pm | Permalink
  7. Deb said . . .

    Shekul’i Barbara–dear Sister! We are all so blessed to have you in our Community–our Circle. Yaw^ko (Thank you) for *sharing the Light” on our beloved Michael– Inner Michael or Inner Self? One of the same– wow. I have goosebumps right now. Aho!! Aho!! Your Oneida Relative xoxoxo

    Posted June 27, 2010 at 4:15 am | Permalink
  8. Jeanne said . . .

    From the song , “Cry” – does the sun ever shine in the blind mans eyes when he cries?” I think this meant that somtimes it takes tears just like the ones we shed today over things that we did not clearly see once upon a time. Now we see the light. Now the sun can shine again. Thank Michael for having vision beyond that of normal sight .

    Posted June 30, 2010 at 4:53 pm | Permalink
  9. Cassie said . . .

    On this day, I cried so much I couldn’t even begin to put anything sensible together to respond to this beautiful post. However, I did tweet the following: 1 year ago today, the world stopped spinning, the sun stopped shining, and for a minute hearts stopped beating. An angel was going home.

    Posted August 10, 2010 at 6:13 pm | Permalink
  10. souldreamer7 said . . .

    Thanks so very much for this. This post means alot to me. I love your site and I am continuing to read more. Love, Peace & Blessings. souldreamer7

    Posted November 27, 2010 at 10:05 pm | Permalink

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