Inner Michael » Dead Man Walking – DS

Dead Man Walking – DS

There is no celebration in this death. Death is not a punishment. Nor is cancer. Cancer is not karma– for good people die too and young children without any opportunity to create karma die of cancer every day. It is a usually slow and painful ending to life. But it is not reserved exclusively for those thought to be evil.

While there are some studies that link emotion and particularly negative emotions to some diseases (including cancer) it’s not wise to blame the patient for contracting a disease. That would mean that all children who die of leukemia are guilty. There is simply not enough evidence or fortitude, for that matter, to support that. They used to call it “consumption” because it does consume. Nobody would deliberately choose to consume themselves.

Death is a journey we will all take one day. Some view it a release or rebirth or an entryway into another dimension of life. What matters at that portal is what we did and how we treated people while we were here. Those who make short journeys to that place beyond the veil all come back with the same mantra: “life is about LOVE.” Loving in a big way. Loving others, loving self and loving the planet and having gratitude for it all. And for life’s opportunity alone.

What is sad about this death that for now shall go nameless, is that the confessional is now closed. At least that is what the Catholics believe– and this was supposedly a “good Catholic man” whom at least one person thinks a “man of integrity.” Thieves have integrity too– if only with each other. There is camaraderie in the sad little minds that unite in theft- in whatever the form. Sadly now, the closed door slams shut on redemption too and any chance to do-over or set the record straight. However, it wasn’t likely to happen.

Any confession or vulnerability would have been impossible anyway for a narcissist. They would never overcome the crusted pride nor allow for the vulnerability required to confess mistakes. So was it a choice to live in that way? Well, the proverbial “jury” (a  bit of cynical and bitter irony there) is still out on that.

Are people driven by conscious desire? Sometimes. Can they be driven by unconscious motives? Oh yes, much of the time. “Little men” are not conceived; they are made. Perhaps by abuse. Perhaps by bullying. Maybe by life. Men become “Napoleonic” for good reason. But it’s their reasons, not the world’s reasons, yet they often push the responsibility onto the world around them. If you’ve ever felt cheated of confidence in yourself, then you know what I’m saying about externalizing your pain. But the problem there is that the ego sometimes gets so large that it must hold the world hostage to compensate. (“The whole world has to answer right now, just to tell you once again…”) In other words, once again the world must offer you a boatload of something you privately and secretly don’t believe yourself to have.

Examples of that are everywhere in a world imbalanced and tipped toward patriarchy. The world is full of “little men”: Lee Harvey Oswald, Timothy Mc Veigh, Mark David Chapman, Charles Manson, a few “brawny” football players– men who wanted to matter so badly, needed adulation or fame or control so much that they would go to any lengths to get it. When really threatened, they will in fact, take away autonomy, sovereignty or even life from someone too visible, too admired. A greatly admired man (especially) is threat because he is a constant reminder of one’s own lack, unimportance and impotence.

There is nothing so dangerous as a big fish in a little pond when he (or she) needs a bigger presence and a bigger pond to feel adequate. A puffer fish is poisonous, you know. And some fishes need to puff themselves up to appear bigger… if only to themselves. A small fish in a small pond can be envious of a big fish in a big pond. Fame is a kind of reinforcement that ” I matter.” And if the “I” that needs to matter is so tiny that it needs to suck in everyone around, the “I” must be inflated no matter the cost. Such is the torture of the man with those inner demons of inadequacy and self loathing. And that vacuum will be projected onto an unsuspecting and unfortunate target. Where have we seen that irony before…..

We all project our shadow. It’s human nature. But most of it, while unhappily negative, hopefully it’s not irreversibly destructive to another human being. Hopefully we have no need to destroy life. It’s better to believe in the natural good of people than to have to search for the ugliness that’s required to damn them in order to feel superior. Imagine the tortured soul who must keep that up for a lifetime! (They know not what they do, or must do.) They must find evidence in the world to prove themselves right so imagine what it’s like searching for darkness your whole life. It has to be miserable. The world cannot seem too friendly or safe to such a miserable soul. (They don’t know who they are.)

Some minds inhabited by little egos have delusions or illusions of grandeur. They have to. They have to “prove” themselves. When one is so needy and feels such a hunger to be seen, recognized and to be the center of attention, its origin is the black hole. Black holes, as we know, are event horizons that suck everything into them. Nothing can have autonomy. Nothing can be left withstanding its influence. All must succumb. All must be attracted to join the spectacle and the sucking influence that swallows all that nears its corona. A back hole must control gravity. And all things and beings must obey the law.

For people who are black holes feeling incomplete or unworthy or inadequate, the world seems to mock such emptiness. And it can never be escaped, that kind of emptiness.

That shadow part of the ego, particularly when male (or a woman afraid of her feminine nature) must necessarily conquer the internal impotence. A malignant need for power and power-over comes from a deep place– a place of cold emptiness. There is no voracious need to wield power or power over others unless there is a dark and deeply embedded inner life of emptiness– a feeling that one, and one’s life does not matter.

That state is unbearable. The ghostly haunting of one’s own inadequacies must be quelled by the ego’s shadow overcompensating for repressed impotence. A kind of pathological compensation is accomplished by over-reaching of the offending part of the ego. For men, it can be accomplished by a puffing up of self through machismo, aggression, power or politics. Those who feel powerless seek power, sometimes for its own sake. They seek positions of power. And they use corrupted power. How can it be otherwise? When one is wrestling with inner demons who proclaim one’s unimportance, and power soothes and becomes the salve, anything goes except to be upstaged.

In your face, upstaged.

Everybody wants to be loved. It comes in the form of unconditional affection, mental or physical caressing and caring– a feeling that one is important to the schematic of life. The quest for power when narcissistic, holds no regard for others, for the world revolves around self and ego and the need to be seen and to control. Narcissists make their own rules. And that is why they are so dangerous in positions of power. Power can corrupt and when it’s wielded to fill up one’s own empty ego, it is ugly and indiscriminate. The hunger for power feeds power; and power feeds its own hunger for more power. Inflated egos demand attention. They demand unquestioning allegiance to their twisted definition and command of power. And they often develop an arrogance of invincibility. God help anyone in their way.

What is often described in the domain of influence of this man is a “mad dog” hunger for the spoils of the “champion’s” position. Often people who felt the crushing overreach and the cruelty of a narcissistic approach to enforcing law describe a trampling of civil rights, an overzealousness unquenched by conquest, a kind of anything goes old west approach to law and order.

It’s a long-standing tradition.

And there is evidence of prejudice in matters of race, ethnicity, class and status. The tradition of the unwelcome non-white is also a long-standing one. And an affluent and white community wishing to preserve its legacy would allow the running off of riff raff for that is the arrogance of privilege. The snobbery of “wine country” and managing pristine areas whether land or beaches welcomes a kind of discrimination that invites invisibility for the sake of preserving a commonly embraced cultural mythology.

The man was dead long before he stopped breathing. Dead man walking. So I am not going to wish for an eternity in hell. I am not going to wish for retribution. I am hoping compatriots will join me in welcoming with open arms and a sincere reach to embrace those willing to become bold with a new courage. I promise to offer unconditional acceptance and embrace no matter the past deeds.

I will exchange a wish for hell with something much, much more productive… a finality, an ending, that brings…  the clean air of lies named and at long last, swept clean. A cracking open, a bursting of the abscess that has lain putrid, festering and particularly un-cleansed in the popular narrative. The crisp and pure and fresh texture of… TRUTH.

I invite those who have been silent about the festering stink of corruption to now feel empowered enough to speak it.

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