Inner Michael

By: K

While in California, and even before we got to the gates of Neverland, and a few other times, I felt an interesting warmness, a palpable feeling in my chest. I felt it once at Forest Lawn and while flying over Neverland, in a helicopter—not over the house, but over the land.

The feeling, very warm, arises in the area from my neck to mid waist and feels as if someone has placed a solid warm bar vertically in the middle of my torso.

Since returning back from LA, I have had a very turbulent time and was visited by unspeakable tragedy.

In the midst of it there was a dream:

I woke up during the night with Michael’s image as the last thing I remember. I don’t know if it was triggered by examining the idea of Neverland as archetype, someone else’s dream experience, or from our experiences—personal, together, or both. But I woke up from my dream because I woke myself up by singing..out loud!

I remember hearing myself sing “but there are worlds and worlds of ways to explain” (in my dream) … “to tell you how I feel ” (out loud) I have heard that I talk in my sleep but no one has ever told me I sing in my sleep.

In my dream, Michael and I were both sitting down on the ground in a place where the ground looked like desert but had greenery too and I knew it was Neverland. We sat across from each Indian style and he asked me to sing with him. So I did. He began the song and we were singing “Speechless” together at first, then he quietly faded his own voice away and let me continue. So there I was—singing to Michael Jackson! He was intently watching throughout my “performance, rocking back and forth with a little giggle, thoroughly enjoying me try to sing it. I then heard myself sing “To tell you how I feel” out loud. Waking myself up. I have no idea what it means however, I have the distinct impression that Michael is pleased. Actually, it’s a “knowing.”

Forest Lawn Group trip from Mjjnme33 on Vimeo.

By LM:

Since Michael died in 2009, I have visited the outer gates of Neverland at least 8 or 9 times with each time having a purpose like writing notes from myself or from others. But the purpose for me was just to be there; it’s almost like a calling or a positive addiction—a healthy and healing one. Neverland has a calmness, a sense of peace. Then there’s that real feeling of Michael’s spirit being right there; I think it’s that closeness I long for.

The first few times were so emotional for me but this time in June 2011, it was different. The flood of emotion I felt on the way up and into the mountains just after turning on to the 154 was like nothing I’ve felt before. My emotions are usually in check. I cry when I let myself cry; but not in front of others.

But there was no controlling this torrent; it felt like something physically hit me and left my whole body vibrating – I felt warm and full of energy that wasn’t my own. As a question entered my mind: “what can I do for so many needs,” I welled up with a feeling that was huge and helpless. It’s important to me to carry on what Michael taught—to heal the world. But what would he wish me to do? I wanted to feel him reach me or hear him tell me something; I wanted some guidance.

The weather was overcast and I wondered if we would be

able to take the helicopter rides if the clouds didn’t dissipate. Maybe Michael was letting us know he didn’t really want us to fly over Neverland. I wanted to know so I made one of those silent bargains we make all the time—leave the clouds if we’re not to go but if it’s OK, clear out the sky. Within about 20 minutes the skies were clear and the sun was shining.

When we arrived at Neverland there was another organized group there and the children and some adults were throwing water balloons, making quite the mess. At first I scolded them in my mind but caught myself making a judgment by remembering how much Michael loved that kind of fun. So it was appropriate after all and I knew that Michael would be smiling too, enjoying their fun! I found a beautiful black and white feather and took it as a gift from Michael.

The helicopter ride was unbelievably smooth and the beauty of the whole area is remarkable from a bird’s eye view. I truly understand why Michael felt at home there for as long as he could. And it was wonderful to see the clock in front of the train station covered in flowers again, the fountains in working order. It gave me hope, like maybe things are changing there in a positive way.

I think it made a major difference for me to visit Neverland with like-minded others—sisters really. So this was very special and meaningful to me. I imagined how it might be if we could all stay together there, but of course we all had to go back to our own lives and that other reality.

That reality isn’t the same for me. Leaving was hard; dropping people off at the airport was hard. Even though we are close in spirit, the physical makes a difference – seeing someone’s face, giving and receiving a hug, even preparing a meal together like a real family.

Driving home was surreal with its swirling thoughts and feelings. I’m already thinking about next year and getting together again. Being at my home now just feels different—as if I know I’m here, but am I really? It’s hard to explain what it is, but I sense a change in my own priorities. Nothing drastic, but a shifting of how I see things and people—a bit more open and clearly.