Inner Michael

There are those moments in life when you recognize that everything has changed. The tree no longer looks the same; you never noticed before how stunning the color blue really is; the song of birds this morning sounds suddenly sweeter; the cat’s fur is softer than you remember; the sunrise is the violin section of the orchestra and the smile of a child is no longer musical—it’s now a symphony.

Everything is amplified. Things feel more urgent. What used to delight no longer appeals. Those people who were so prominent in your life seem rather distant now. That patience you had with people and their hang-ups is wearing thin and there is no tolerance for dark gossip or superficial talk in this new space. And there is a sadness about it, a quiet resignation.

There is no way to put your finger on it and no way to describe it but an earthquake, imperceptible by anyone else, has happened inside you. It wasn’t a giant crashing of structures or life turning to rubble (unless it was) but something fundamental has certainly shifted on its foundation. The new ground is shaky and the location may as well be Oz for all its familiarity and you’re pretty sure there’s a yellow brick road somewhere if you just look around.

You search for answers but your mind freezes up and seems alien, like it belongs to someone else. It did. The “trying to figure it all out” is not working and is, in fact, giving you a headache. It feels like you have landed in an in-between space but there’s no clue as to what or where you are in-between. It is strangely familiar, this place, but unsettling all the same. It doesn’t feel “bad” or “wrong” necessarily, but it feels like you have crossed some kind of unseen bridge and there is no going back. You have and there isn’t.

This tilt is a bit unnerving. You may have gained more knowledge from an experience but this doesn’t feel intellectual. It’s not. It’s not simply a new way of thinking that is making room for a reinvented identity, but a new way of being is settling in to the flesh and blood corporeal self. Welcome to a new perception. To an expanded awareness. Welcome to the new world, or the world anew.

It’s the experience many have had after visiting Neverland. Yes, that Neverland. I feel it too and I know the bridge is already behind me. Even the air crackles with it—this knowingness—but an unknown journey to where? Neither eat nor drink satisfies. Nor will a new pair of shoes or anything of the marketplace. The material world of life is over. For Heaven’s sake what now? For Heaven’s sake.

We have glimpsed this place before through story, folktale, fiction, poem or fantasy novel. James Hilton’s Shangri-La comes to mind as does Camelot, Shamballa, Avalon, “The Force,” Nirvana, the Magic Kingdom, the Mythical Dream and yes, both Peter Pan’s and Michael Jackson’s Neverland.

The Tibetans believe this real place may reside in a valley between the Himalayas. Some think it lives in the ethers and is yet to be manifest in physical reality. The Western esoteric of Theosophy places it near the Gobi desert or Mount Shasta. Christianity refers to the three manifestations or three bodies of the Divine and the Bible features The Garden of Eden. Hebrew scripture refers to Melchizedek—and his kingdom of Salem. Buddhism names three manifestations and elegantly calls it:

Dharmakaya which is something always present and is rediscovered rather than newly created. It is timeless and not limited by history. Considered the life force or the “energy of life itself,” it’s the fire that burns but does not burn itself. It’s similar to the deterministic part of the “force that animates” in the Taoist tradition.

Sambhogakaya, which is always present, is the state beyond thinking where one’s personal consciousness or mind is tuned into Dharmakaya and becomes the Expression of the Wisdom of All Life. It is the ability to communicate on all levels—verbal, non-verbal, interactive and relational—with all forms of life.

Nirmanakaya is the physical embodiment and employment of total realization of life and its myriad forms of communication and relating.

The realization of this expanded self is the magical expression of the open mind and open heart; the infinitude of who we are, the Magical Natural Being living in our own Heart Intelligence.

We are so busy looking for it “out there” or in a magical male or female supernatural being “up there,” that we have forgotten it is right here, right now. And each time we deny it is here, we feed our fear a little more and destroy a little bit more of the magic.

“Truly, I say to you, unless you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”—Matthew 18:3-4

Michael Jackson revered children and the child in everyone. To watch him with children is to watch someone interact with those viewed as sacred. His touch on the head or cheeks of a child is to witness the same touch of someone whose hands are entrusted with a holy relic. Indeed, Michael said he saw God in the face of a child. I believe he did; I want to see it too. Not just occasionally but every time. Those who knew and know Michael really, will tell you he did, always. They will tell you of a Michael different from the media caricature and the “creature” they bullied relentlessly, dehumanizing him first to make the torture easier to inflict. The pain of that particular stain on his name is unbearable to those who know the man, admire the man or are his fans. Someday the world will know the truth and that moment of sanity will move the dream forward.

It is no mistake that the human child is born the most helpless of all the mammals. It is no accident that babies are cuddly and delight the eyes; they reflect the light from whence they came. Children are creatures who trust implicitly that the adults around them will provide for them, nurture them and care for them. Their hearts are not wounded and their souls are intact. They show no reservation in their curious and bold exploration of life. And for the most part, life doesn’t let them down.

Growing into late childhood and early adulthood is not so easy as that. There may have been a few disappointments along the way; trust may have proven itself misguided; love may have been measured or withdrawn instead of unconditionally given. Somewhere along the line the child begins to think something wrong with themselves, then something wrong with the world. Instead of blindly and safely advancing through the world without pause or reservation, the world, with its measure of safety and love becomes trustworthy only intermittently. Eventually the death of innocence, the betrayal of trust and a withdrawal of a love that was unconditional, proves the world an unfriendly place and a resource from which one’s needs for love and nourishment must be extracted through cunning and manipulation. Success becomes a measurement of the skill of the navigator. The child believes “I am not enough; I am not worthy just because I am.” The game becomes “how good are you at extraction?” Not: “how big is the open heart you offer the world?” It changes from giving in free exchange to getting at any cost.

No longer loved for who you are being, affection becomes dependent on what you are doing. Do more to get more or take more to have more. Life becomes strategy and the days of taking deep relaxed breaths are over. If you don’t believe you have needs, someone helps you to believe you need something and the treadmill life begins. The constant need for something more leads to believing you are lacking, and that transforms the world of nourishment and safety and love to a place of scarcity: “There is not enough for me.” And it can eventually become “there is not enough for me because I believe you have my share.” The envy begins. The jealousy creeps in. The mind of lack takes over the place the open heart and soul filled, and Neverland is gone forever.

Michael Jackson knew that acute longing– we all have to go back to Neverland. That is why he built it. He designed it for the child in himself, to share with the children of the world and the child in the adults who would revisit that magic to recapture in themselves—the magical child who lives in us all. Michael knew what happens when that carefree creative child is broken. Not only did Michael know to build that magical world but he embodied that magical child.

When you know the loss of Neverland, you know the loss of the Essential Self, the divine child inside, the birth of the Christos gone silent and stillborn.

The collective of humanity longs for this place—this Neverland. Yes, it’s metaphorical but it’s more than that; it’s archetypal. It belongs to us all. The whole consciousness of humanity feels it, longs for it, waits for it, searches for it, wants to believe in it but often dares not. The mourning is a wailing that cannot be heard, an excruciating wound that cannot be healed.

It has been revisited many times, become the stuff of myth and magic, breathes new life into the creative and imaginative child. The Inner Child that wants to be loved and while searching to find it, throws a tantrum. She stages drama to get attention or attempts to take what is not her own in the fear that Neverland is forever gone. When undernourished her neediness shows, the tantrum gets loud and others are invited into the drama she creates to distract from the wound and how much she hurts.

We all need Neverland. We need the magical child. We needed Michael Jackson. We need to take another look, a closer look at what Michael Jackson was teaching us by who he was being in the world. We had him and we mistreated him. We had him and we let him slip away. We nourished our beast while the child went hungry. We ate from the wrong bowl trying to fill ourselves with something… anything… to take away the emptiness. We ridiculed someone who could have saved us. He sang to us of bringing salvation back. He wanted to. He tried. And for caring about us, the world and its children, we punished him without mercy. So we will continue to search for the lost child banished to darkness by its own hand and its own kind.

We don’t understand and we don’t know what’s wrong with us. We only know something was and is, missing; we caught a glimpse of it and it changed us forever. We remember a little bit more about how we cannot live in a world without Neverland. We will continue searching for the answer, looking for what’s missing. We will make more pilgrimages to the sun, walks to Assisi, treks through the Camino, become seekers of the New Jerusalem, start a Quest for Avalon and Search for the Holy Grail. Meanwhile, Neverland will be silently waiting.